I need some critique and feedback on an old poem; looking to enter for publication soon!
Don't hold back!
About the Creator
Jazzy
Follow on IG @jazzygoncalves
Head of the Jazzy Writers Association (JWA) in partnership with the Vocal HWA chapter.
The Road by Cormac McCarthy:
"If he is not the word of God, God never spoke." It's a line spoken by The Man, unnamed, early on in the 2007 Pulitzer Prize winning novel, "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. It's this line, elegiac and moving, infused with despair and hope, that informs you, you're not reading something you'll easily forget.
By Adam Diehl4 days ago in Critique
Cracks in the Kingdom
In the Children’s Fable the Tortoise and the Hare, the Hare is known for his jack rabbit starts and stops, his frantic approach, his unsustainable energy. We learn from the tortoise that slow and steady wins the race. Similarly, the global political and economic theater has been dominated by the frantic energy of the Hare. We have been told that speed is synonymous with success, that "jackrabbit starts" in innovation and market deregulation are the only way to outrun poverty and stagnation. But as the ecological and social architecture of our system is cracking, we are witnessing a "Great Unmasking." The facade of the infinite sprint is collapsing, revealing a system with unsustainable DNA. The DNA of capitalism is programmed for its own exhaustion. We have ignored the ancient wisdom of the children’s fable, forgetting that the Hare’s velocity was never a sign of strength, but a symptom of a volatile internal loop that prioritizes the burst over the journey.
By Susan Eileen a day ago in Critique
Comments (7)
Beautiful cat
Awww, Pancake is so adorable! Please say hi to him for me! I've read your poem and left you a comment there. I loved it so much!
I'll give some comments, though some may be my personal preference/style so may not fit at all what you're trying to do; First of all, I like the style and content and sentimentality of this... but you want suggestions. I would retitle as "Coffee for your Heart" or "Extra Cup". For me, it needs a slightly stronger start. Just 3 or 4 lines (could be interleaved throughout, I think, if you want). I want to hear about the non-coffee lovable qualities of the unknown guest, perhaps, and then go into how happy you are that you can bond over coffee. Almost with a tone "is it silly of me that when I think of you I think of coffee? but this is why...." I also recommend shorter lines and tighter phrasings to find that comfortable balance between your almost conversational style and something with a little more rhythm that clearly feels more poemsy. There's some room for creative line-breaking if you want to emphasize certain phrases. Just some thoughts 💙💙Anneliese
Incredible job, it is a Sweet piece and I'm actually drinking coffee ☕Right now😁👍📝💖
I love the concept of the extra empty cup. Your poem is as casual as slowly preparing and enjoying coffee. I think eliminating as many conjunctions, adverbs, and determiners like (and, what, so) as fillers would lift your intent. Verbs - grinding, stimulating, swirling, dancing around my cup . The last line of thought is wonderful, How could you modify to make more emotive. This poem has undercurrents of emotions How can you release them? Example: “And now I still make coffee”. Could be something like — Coffee has awakened me again. Hope this helps somehow. Scott
Hey Jazzy! You've always been so supportive of my work, so I'd love to help! Here are my thoughts: - I would structure each line so it's organized into stanzas (I usually do 4 lines per stanza). For the poem's "rhythm" (known as iambic pentameter) I would also try to make each line roughly the same number of syllables or words so it flows from one to the text. - It also seems like some lines rhyme with each other, but others don't. I would lock in a rhyme scheme that stays consistent throughout. So, the last word in every line could rhyme, or only every other line, etc. - I also use an asterisk (*) to put space between stanzas, which I think looks nice. As an example, here's a poem I did recently: https://everydaydealxhub.live/poets/broken-pieces-oa1ma0t9w%3C/span%3E%3C/span%3E%3C/span%3E%3C/a%3E - I love the word choice though. As always you convey a ton of emotion in your writing, and you've once again stuck the landing here. It's a beautiful concept for a poem, hopefully the feedback helps!
omg well...I don't usually love critiquing but...because Pancake asked, I guess I have to try😂💕