I havenāt written a journal entry for Vocal in a while now. I donāt know why. Itās kind of hard to explain the way I feel these days, all that I know is that Iām dead inside. It feels as if the whole world is rooting against me from time to time. I feel sad all the time. I feel my depression. I feel so angry and mad at the world most days. I wonder if those feelings of mine will ever go away.
I know that Iām okay but I also know that Iām not. I feel so lost right now. I want to feel seen and heard by those around me. But the words cannot come out of my mouth anymore. I wish I knew how to trust but my heart has been broken beyond belief one too many times. I know Iāll move on eventually but then something else will end up happening to me because thatās just how life goes. A series of unfortunate events. I wonder if Iāll ever manage to be okay. If Iāll ever be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. I like myself donāt get me wrong there. My favourite part about me happens to be my eyes. I like to think of them as a crisp blue. But Iām tired of hearing I have sad eyes. Because I never used to have sadness in my eyes until I struggled deeply with depression. I still love my eyes, even if people tell me that they look sad.
Like I said before, I want to feel heard by someone in my life. I want to be able to speak and not feel like I have to shut up. I am trying to learn how to be myself but I still donāt know how. I donāt know what to say half the time. Thatās why I write. Itās easier to get the words out on paper or type something up on a computer than it is to talk. At least it is in my opinion.
I want to be proud of myself again but I just canāt be. I donāt know why I feel that way. I really donāt understand. But I also donāt want to collapse. It just feels like I might be falling apart. Iām stuck with the guilt and I just donāt like the way it makes me feel. Iām awfully tired of the sadness that I feel inside. Things just donāt feel right.
Iām tired of hearing about my sad eyes. Maybe I just donāt take compliments well. Maybe Iām just sad about my body changing because of my self harm and depression. Whatever the reasons, just because Iām sad doesnāt mean Iām not happy.
I love my life I really do. I just canāt always have a smile on my face. I try. I honestly try. I donāt know why I try because I know why people would understand why I donāt really like smiling all the time.
I donāt know what to feel. Instead I move along and share bits and pieces of my story with people in hopes that my pain helps them move through their own. Iām tired of holding it all in and I want to let the pain out somehow. If I can even help one person along my journey then it will all be worth it in the end.
I pray that one day my endless struggles will become easier. I hope that my pain and sadness go away. I pray that the dark skies Iām seeing turn into beautiful sunsets and sunrises. I hope that my anger fades away into love. I pray that my tears are not falling for no reason. I hope for better days.
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About the Creator
Chloe Rose Violet š¹
quiet about the wounds
loud about the healing
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Living within any variation of this crippling, panoramic grayscale affliction means fighting an entire war every single day. Not a battle, but a continuous, drawn-out series of battles. "Victory," as one comprehensive, complete and triumphant thing seems so hugely impossible, but that is because it is not one thing. It is countless, little, beautiful things. Not always glamorous, not always apparently impactful on their own, but always beautiful in that they gain us ground, little by little, reclaiming the territory of ourselves from that invisible enemy. We ought to take the time to celebrate each and every one of these steps, without losing focus on the next one. I understand the very real possibility that this obtuse, overlong comment will mean nothing, because I know that this war exists inside its own pocket universe, and that no one can actually, directly, help āsomeone else can't pull us up with THEIR strength and make everything okay, it has to be OUR strength, and the demand for it is constant. But somebody else can, in fact, point and say, "Look how goddamned powerful you are." And, sometimes, when they do that, we see something that we weren't able to see before. Perhaps something that wasn't even there. We see our strength. One of the ways we can take a chance at doing that for others is to talk about our own experience. So, whether or not you needed someone to tell you, I promise you're doing the right thing. Thanks for sharing.