There's Always Next Year

Ladies and gentlemen, players, parents, all.

With best regards to my principal, Dr. Kevin Brooks and my esteemed Athletic Director, Coach Adam Bennet, and our Team Moms, Doris and JaN’iyah, for making this wonderful occasion possible. Thanks to "Charlie’s Chicken Shack" for providing the chicken fingers for today’s banquet. And thanks to all of you who stepped up today; this wasn't originally supposed to be a potluck, but things happen, and here we are. I did not know there were so many different types of mac & cheese or how much people enjoyed baked beans. Again, thanks.

We come here today to celebrate the end of what the newspaper called the “most interesting high school football season ever” and… … … "consistent." It was certainly one to remember; I don’t think anyone will argue that point.

Going 0 and 11 is never what a football team signs up for. I am proud to say that even at 0 and 10, we still made playoffs, and that’s something to hang your helmet on. Many would question a playoff system that allows a winless team to compete, but that’s not for me to say. We play the cards we’re dealt. And props to our first round opponent, Johnsonville High, for their run to the state title… who knew a football scoreboard could post three-digit numbers, right? Good for them.

I’m still proud of our Bulldogs. No one I’d rather coach and no place I’d rather be. No sir. Nowhere else. Even if they asked me to leave: nope. Wouldn’t do it. And we’re in a teacher shortage, and I’m a continuing-contract educator. Not going anywhere. We’re only building from here. Building culture!

That being said, there are a few things that I would like to… apologize… for. Clear the air, so to speak. Many believe that a good leader should never have to apologize, because that shows weakness. But I am a man of humility. A truly humble man. Remarkably humble. So I will take this time to own up to my mistakes so we can open a new chapter in Bulldog football for the many seasons to come.

First up, I’d like to apologize for this summer’s 7-on-7 camp in Miami. I swear: I never in my life knew there was a Miami in Ohio. I apologize, sincerely. While it was unfortunate that our kids did not get to participate in any 7-on-7 passing league games, we did have a fantastic time in South Beach. Lots of team building. Lots of memories made. Our middle linebacker learned Spanish. Our punter got a tattoo of a Spanish word that I believe means "to punt," which I thought was tasteful. And while our starting kicker was arrested, we were able to find a replacement down there rather quickly. Time well-spent, in my opinion.

Next up, apologies to my rising sophomore star, Semayah Beckwith. Your Freshman season was extremely productive. You established yourself as a starter from game one, and though your pass-blocking game leaves something to be desired, and you may or may not have been responsible for twenty three sacks and the clicking sound in our quarterback’s knee, you still progressed. Eleven games in, and your three-point stance is immaculate now.

That said, I apologize for telling the locker room that your mother was, quote, “coming over after practice to earn you a starting spot.” I’m also sorry that I further involved you by asking you to guard the door to my office, and for making you bring all those roses to your mother when she stopped taking my phone calls. I’m happy to say that the restraining order I was served does not name you, specifically, so you’re to be with the team next season. Keep grinding, kid!

Additionally, I apologize for cutting practices every time there was lightning anywhere near the area. I am a God-fearing man. I’ve read the Old Testament; Dude is vengeful. And I do some sinnin’ from time to time. I hear thunder cracking, I don’t care if it’s ten miles away: I’m assuming He’s coming to get me. So if the sky is even a little cloudy, maybe there’s, like, a ten percent chance of storms, doesn't matter. I'm gone. No thanks. I know what I done.

Oh, yeah, and apologies to the admin for letting just about anybody use my master key for just about anything. I understand that the locker room needs to remain locked throughout the school day. It’s just, like, I was doing things. Right? Coaching things. In my office. Sue me if I didn’t want to get up just to let a kid get his shoes. And also, in my defense, I had no way of knowing that they had a running dice game in the locker room. On a bright note, many players earned a lot of money for cleats. So there’s that.

I’m sorry that I insisted on starting Noah DiMaria at corner. He’s a five-foot three, 130 pound white kid who thinks he’s a cat. Spends his whole practice licking the back of his hands and cleaning his face. But the boy’s got wheels. Real agile. He hissed at that one kid from Kennedy, right? Remember that? That was something. See, his Dad is my bookie, and I’ve taken some big swings this season, got me? Bet big to win big; that’s what they say. C’mon people, guy knows where I live! Yes, I let Noah wear cat ears under the helmet, and yes, I put a litter box in the J.V. locker room. Small price to pay for two working legs.

I’m also sorry I told my Center that he had the I.Q. of my left shoe. In my defense, he doesn’t know his left from his right. It’s why we put him at Center.

My lawyer tells me I'm not at liberty to talk about the test and quiz-sharing system we developed in the Media Center's conference room. But yeah. Sorry.

I’m sorry to my third block English IV class; you didn’t learn a thing about Shakespeare this semester, but all of you now know how to spot a Cover 3 with a Robber. Who needs Shakespeare nowadays, right? Spotting coverages is way more applicable to life.

Also, I’m sorry I told you all that the ground water here was poisonous and that it gives you cancer. I just didn’t want to stop for a water break. I think I clearly made up for it by supplying the whole team with sports drinks for the rest of the season. Out of my own pocket, no less. Nothing is too good for my guys!

Oh, yeah, and apologies for the sports drinks. I got in on the ground floor for some sports drink knock off Vietnamese company, and it turned out to be a scam. I got flooded with inventory that I needed to get rid of, just a huge cluster… well, anyways. The good news is that I got a text from Alex and the esophageal burns are very minor. He should be back at school next week.

I’m sorry for insinuating… or directly stating… that the men’s volleyball team could serve the school better as our tackling dummies. I thought it was funny at the time. And the pep rally was getting boring, so I thought that joke was the shot in the arm it needed.

I’m sorry to the math teachers. For nothing specific. I’m just sorry. Eww. Math,

I’m really sorry for the Forestdale game. Up four with two minutes left, and I call “press”? I dunno. It was flu season, and this may or may not have been a cough-medicine-related play call. But that cat-kid did claw him good on the shin as the receiver blew right past him. But, anyways, that’s on me. I’m better now, f.y.i. Thank you.

I’m sorry that I severely wasted the talent of our big men on the O-line. We had four seniors and that one freshman, we averaged 265 lbs across the board, and most of the unit has been playing together since Pop Warner. But I REALLY wanted to throw it on first down. And then again on second down. And then c'mon: football 101! It's third and long, and you wanna run the ball? Pffff, please.

What can I say? Air Raids are sexy!

Yes: we had a lightning-and-thunder combo of Senior running backs. And yes: I know that our quarterback was a five-foot six kidney-bean of a sophomore with a country club dad whose name is on our field house. But I was assured that his rotator cuff injury from travel ball was fully healed before the season started, and I thought a line of that size would give him forever in the pocket. I was mistaken. Blame Beckwith. Or his mom, for that matter.

I apologize to my entire defensive line for telling them that they spent more time on their backs than my aunt when the rent was due. That was, admittedly, a little much.

That’s it. Thank you, everyone, for allowing me to get that off my chest. Tonight, we look back at this amazing season. Tomorrow, we move forward. My first goal will be setting up our offseason weightlifting program. Soon after, we’ll get to the bottom of finding where that fundraising money from last summer went. But before all that, I’d love for everyone to turn your eyes to the screen behind me where my offensive coordinator has put together a highlight reel of all the exciting and impactful moments we shared this season!

Brent, is this it? It’s 37 seconds…

Okay folks. Watch this.

And sorry.