Should You Leave Your Emotionally Unavailable Spouse?

This Reddit post gave me pause. First of all because the OP is a stay at home mom (Didn’t know those really existed anymore.) And also, because she laments that it is hard to be married to a slightly self-centered roommate rather than a husband or partner.

I can name several people who are in that same exact situation and wouldn’t even think of leaving. And others who left for a lot less.

The kicker here is that the OP is a stay at home mom to a young child and loves her life. She realizes that divorce would force back to a nine-to-five, but feels maybe it’s worth it.

The Reddit community was divided. Some say she should give her husband an ultimatum. Others advise her to basically kick him to the curb.

Nobody brought up the fact that as soon as her young son enters kindergarten or first grade, her life will change completely. She will have hours alone, and the entire stay at home mom life abruptly changes.

The OP’s husband seems oblivious to counseling sessions even though they attend regularly, and knows that divorce is on the table, but maybe he doesn’t realize how serious she is? (As one poster pointed out.)

Can Emotionally Unavailable Partners Change?

The OP didn’t go into too many specifics as to the ways her husband seemed so distant and detached. Maybe the question should be: Why is he that emotionally unavailable, and with a lot of work and motivation, could he change?

Author Natasha Adamo says, “Yes, emotionally unavailable people can change, but it requires deep personal motivation, professional help, and significant time to address underlying trauma or attachment issues. Change is not guaranteed and cannot be forced by a partner; it only happens if the individual is willing to do the intensive work to build emotional awareness.”

So, the question becomes, should the OP give it some more time and hope her partner will come around? Or, should she leave the life she loves for a chance to find true love?

Again, Redditors’ views were mixed. Some relayed stories about people who stayed together for the kids and were miserable. Others recounted situations where the couple took the time and worked through their differences and came out with a truly happy marriage on the other side.

Feeling unheard and basically alone in a marriage has to be tough, and the decision on whether to leave or stay even harder.

Stories about people who regret leaving their marriages haunts me. This comment from another Reddit thread got to me:

“I walked away too quickly from something that probably could have been fixed, if we’d known where and how to ask for help. I do regret it sometimes, bc we share kids and we co-parent so well, with much laughter and love. I think we f’ed up. Life goes on, but that will always be my quiet regret.”

Surprisingly, you might be emotionally unavailable yourself as explained in this article:

“You may have an anxious attachment style, which makes sense because the avoidant-anxious partners frequently choose each other and trigger each others’ attachment systems.”

So, ultimately the OP and her husband need to figure out whether they can each do the work to make the union last, or go their separate ways. In all the Reddit threads I went through about this subject, everyone pretty much agreed that fear of the unknown is not a reason to stay in an unhappy marriage.

But make sure you do everything you can to fight for it so that neither of you regrets the decision months or even years down the road.