Alchemy

I’ll never forget that day, it cut deep.

The 30th of May 2021 did not begin like any other day, for we just moved into our new home a week prior. Gosh, what a stunning home. I deemed it the ‘oasis’. It felt like an oasis, it looked like an oasis. A stunningly beautiful country home tucked away in rural Ireland. This was our fresh start.

My new found excitement waking to a Sunday was unusual. Unusual because past Sundays looked so different. This May Sunday was filled with hope and a new found joy hence my excitement.

I’ve been skipping breakfast for a while now, as I’m trying to lose weight but I’m also hungover from last nights drinking session. He’s up, I can hear the clatter coming from downstairs, which is my cue.

I hate this taste in my mouth, such a pungent taste. I can’t scrape my tongue enough to get rid of the taste. Mouthwash gulped, and soon after, I feel somewhat alive again.

Walking down the stairs with these heavily swollen feet is not fun but I really love these stairs, they’re so unique. A staircase you will most likely only find in a country cottage home. Enough about that, I hate being fat!

He says, “hello” I hate it when he says “hello” I always respond with, “good morning” and I think to myself, can you just be normal? The clatter continues while he sips on his beer. I know it’s almost 12 noon but I despise this visual, a visual that has been replayed oh so many times.

I’m off to cleanse my aura, a long shower…..So many thoughts going through my mind…..The shower is doing me good though…….I feel almost top notch again.

The sound of the clatter is gone. He’s nowhere to be found but I have an idea. Before dragging these swollen feet up those wonderfully steep stairs, I bang the tunes. My Sunday playlist, old skool r&b, so soothing to my soul.

Dressed in my frump gear, I feel comfortable but looking in the mirror I simultaneously feel ugly. I need something to numb this feeling. I hear the dial tone. He answers. I say, “you’re down the town, yeah?” He answers, “yeah, I needed to get some beer”. No shame in those words, just honesty. I reply, “Can you please get me ‘my cure’ and some crisps, pretty please?” “No bother, will I get you some wine as well?” “I dunno, I have work tomorrow. OK, go on then, 4 ciders and a red wine. Please be safe on the roads!”

Now, the sound of not only clatter but the sound of a chop, sizzle, whoosh and crackle. A culinary symphony. I hear the car pull up, I’m relieved. He is home in one piece. The crack sound from opening my first can of cider relieves some anx and brings me comfort knowing I won’t feel as hungover, in a little while.

Brunch is ready but he says, he’ll eat it later. He’s sat outside on the swing bench sipping his beer with his headphones on, listening to ‘The Script’, I’m sure. I promised myself we would sit at the dining table as this was not part of our dining experience in Dublin. All that effort, eating alone, yet again. The scenery out here is beautiful though, so I take it in along with a few sighs…..Others might say this food is yummy but to me it’s just another brunch.

I’d much rather watch a horror movie, stuff my face while nursing this sore head. Instead, the trier in me finds herself swinging back and forth on the swing bench, alongside him.

Meaningless conversation….hmm….this I am used to.

Slowly, the feeling of anx dissipates and all seems to be well in the world again. Thank you, cider number two.

“Give me a minute let me open the snug window so I can hear the music louder.” Now I’m in the zone, escapism at it’s best. The loud crunch of crisps coming from his direction is highly annoying but in ‘love’, there is ‘acceptance’.

Bopping my head back and forth to the music, shimmying the shoulders. Damn, this feels so good. The buzz is coming over me, which means, it’s selfie time. Snap, snap, snap to infinity and beyond but I still struggle to find that ‘winning’ selfie. Wait, I know, it’s cause my head is bloody humongous. Delete those ones and try again. Phew, I have one, now to Photoshop and share. Some likes and comments. So what now? Now nothing, I actually feel nothing, no satisfaction. Well that was pointless.

🎶 “Pam-pah-ram!” 🎶 “Pam-pah-ram!” 🎶 “Pam-pah-ram!” 🎶 “Pam, Pam, Pam!”, 🎶 “Bring the Beat in!” That’s my jam, it takes me to a really happy place. A place that reminded me of what fun once looked like. As I sit here, it sinks in even more, this is my life and it sure isn’t fun. The show though, must go on.

In no time, that time comes — I hear you ask, what time? — He is wobbly making his way back and forth to the bathroom. My anx is back. I can feel my blood pressure rise, now riddled with stress. “Please be careful!” “Yeah, yeah, yeah” A deep sigh coming from my soul. The wobbles continue for a bit. I have had enough. “Lets go inside darling.” “I’m grand!” “OK, I’ll be inside if you need me, it’s getting a bit nippy now anyway.” “Grand!”

Sitting in this conservatory chair reminds me of one of the many reasons I fell in love with this home. Sat in gratitude, right here, right now, I feel at ease. Music is playing softly in the background, as I sip and scroll through my phone. It might not be your idea of fun but at this moment, it’s mine.

I hear a soft click. He’s turned the knob of the door. “Would you like to eat something?” “I’m alright for now.” “OK, well I am going to throw some food into the oven. I’ll keep your plate in the microwave but please try to eat something, later.” “Yeah!”

My second Sunday in my oasis. Instead of the life I imagined playing out, I dine alone in this beautifully crafted conservatory chair. Sadness surfaces but remember the show must go on.

It’s around 7 o ‘clock. I look at the bottle of red and contemplate. Oh sod it! The corkscrew creaked softly as it dug into the cork. A soft pop and the cork is free. It’s wine o’clock!

One of my favourite ways to escape and forget my woes is to watch a good movie over some red wine. I know I mentioned earlier wanting to watch a horror movie but feeling somewhat fragile, I opt for a romance film. A film I have seen, probably a few hundred times. ‘Letters to Juliet’. I’ll make it to Italy someday, where they filmed my favourite scenes.

As the daydreaming and vicariously living through the characters continue, my bladder was screaming louder than my thoughts.

Too full and feeling way too heavy after devouring that not so special dinner, I decide to use the downstairs bathroom because I’m not going up those stairs. Making my way to the bathroom, I have to pass him by. Probably a good idea. “You OK?” “All good”, he slurs.

Not that this is a new realization but for some bizarre reason, my golden toilet seat, looks extra golden right now. Could it be the wine leading me to this moment, or could it be something else? I follow this feeling which really leans toward an appreciation for what I just witnessed, my toilet seat simply looking extra golden. My phone case as matter of fact has the exact same cover as my toilet seat. How about that for matching?! I just must capture the two together.

Off the loo she hops. “Darling, can I borrow your phone to take a picture of the toilet seat and my phone, they’re matching.” He looks at me like I have 10 heads. “Gowan” I go and get my golden cased phone, place it on the toilet seat and ask him to open his camera as I am not great with iPhones and he does. Picture taken and what a shot.

“Would you be so kind to send the picture to me via Whatsapp?” He is struggling to do it, squinting his eyes multiple times while his body chases balance. I mean this is a simple task right? Well, not when you’re inebriated. The blood pressure is rising again. Gosh, how does one get so drunk, so quick? Frustrated, I take the phone and say, “I’ll do it.”

About to share and then I realize something. My name was listed in the three most frequented contacts in his Whatsapp list. A cold wave ran through my chest as I see her name in that list. I say nothing, I utter nothing but I feel something. I decide to delve. I was not expecting this, however it comes as no surprise.

I discover sordid messages between them. I lost it! I thumped him in the face! I was livid but I managed not to fully succumb to anger. That thump kind of brought him back to life. All he cared about now was having his phone back. I through it on the soft brown leather couch that he was slumped in. No remorse, no regret, no shame. All he seemed to have was anger due to my discovery. As his hand made contact with his phone, it seemed as though his world was OK again.

“It’s over and I mean really over! Everything I have endured these past few years and all the deceit you harbor, I will take no more! You are on your own! I deserve better and I know my worth! Please sleep downstairs. Our bedroom is no longer yours.”

I watched him as he stormed off to the back bedroom. Not once did he look back, come after me, apologize or even try to justify his actions, to say something, anything. He just left me alone, standing there.

I went into the conservatory and sat in my misery. It was so quiet, so eerily still. I no longer had anger within me, all I had was a profound sadness. I thought to myself, Why dear God, why? I cried immensely. I had to release these burdening emotions which had consumed me for so long, affecting my inner and outer being.

In the midst of the chaos, I gained clarity. It was very plain to see, I had to choose me.

From that day forth, awakening began, transformation began, transmuting into alchemy.

Written by Charmaine Abrahams